We sat in the airport & waited & waited & watched & watched as the carousel went round & round & I sez to Aidan are you sure you don't see your bag & he sez definitely not & then jumps up fer joy and hustles over to retrieve his precious.
"Sir, can you step over here for a moment," the TSA agent said as Aidan was getting ready to board this flight.
"Yessa, I can." Aidan complied. "I just did," he stated after he stepped to the side they wanted.
"Sir, you cannot pack this in your carry-on."
"Why the fuck not? It's only peanut butter."
"It wasn't bought here. How do we know what you have in that peanut butter?"
"I have a spoon right here," Aidan explained as he pulled a spoon out of his pocket and stuck it in the TSA agent's face.
"Do you want me to confiscate this, Sir?"
"NO!" Aidan shrieked out.
"Okay then, you're gonna have to check a bag if you want to keep possession of this peanut butter.
"And that's why your jar of peanut butter is on the conveyor belt with a bag tag on it?"
"Uh huh!" Aidan said proudly with a big dumb smile on his big dumb face.
"Doesn't it cost like twenty bones to check something?"
"Yass.. it was well worth it," he said as he pulled out his spoon and took out a big dumb scoop and stuck it in his big dumb mouth. I started to try & reason with him & explain why this was a dumb decision, but you can't reason with an insane person so I just ate some peanut butter in silence & stared at the well trained travelers who stood patiently and silently waiting for their bag to make it's rotation to their station before they make a move. Finally satisfied by my peanut butter snacking I spoke in hushed tones to Aidan.
"How's it feel getting back from your first business trip?" I queried queerly.
"Ah Peazy mah boy, Caltree Chemicals treats me right. I only wish they gave me more time off to work on my horrorscopes."
"I thought you'd given that up after the newspaper rejected your application."
"Pinecone them, & pinecone you too for thinking Imma quitter."
He hadn't given up, in fact, he'd produced a new sensationalized infomercial for the local public access channel just before he left on his trip.
"Hello," Aidan boomed in a faux deep throaty voice while wearing a white hooded robe that covered his face.
"My name is Señor Aidan... & I want to help YOU... avoid YOUR... worst fears," he'd recently watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy & was trying his darnedest to sound just like Darth Vader, but sounded more like James Woods than James Earl Jones.
"My horrorscopes... have been... EERILY... accurate," he continued. "And while... YOU can't prevent them... from coming true.... they will... provide YOU... the opportunity to be... prepared... for what calamity... will be-fall YOU... next," he continued.
"If YOU're interested... send YOUR contact... info to the... address below," he said as he whipped out his contact sheet of paper from behind his back. It was written long ways on a piece of college ruled paper with a periwinkle blue crayon.
"And include with it... YOUR date of birth... YOUR sex... the third consonant... of YOUR middle name... & the city YOU were born in... & I will produce for YOU... an eerily accurate... horrorscope... If you like... send back $9.95... EVERY MONTH... & I will continue... to provide a glimpse into... the horrors that lie ahead... for YOU!"
"Yeah Aidan, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You look like a racist and have received numerous death threats and lawsuits since those adz started airing - can you stop using my address while you wear racist shit on teevee?"
"Racist?! No way, I look cool in that video, very intimidating."
"It's a fucking KKK robe and hood."
"I don't know that brand, but my friend who let me borrow it is a real nice chap once you get passed the shaved head, tattoos, piercings, and unnatural love for blond hair and blue eyed people. He's a bit weird, in a quirky way, like when he gave me that outfit to borrow, he said something about being a wizard or something. I wasn't really listening but I'm guessing he used it to dress like Merlin for Halloween."
"Look, I don't have time to explain KKK or why this is true, but that outfit makes you look like a racist."
"Well I it's good enough for Donald Trump, it's good enough for me!"
***
There I was, triumphant. My circle was complete. Finally, my just reward - an award for me to raise high above my head while praise showered down on me, all golden like a date with R Kelly. And then Blake came down & it all came crashing down. My circle completed alright. Karma's a bitch, or so they say. Last year, Rebirth, Aidan & I pulled the wool & rained out Ryan Sharpe's reign & this time I'm the one rained on, like a date with R Kelly. The only wet Kelly I want is Kapowski - if only there had been a bell to save me, I mighta gotten my wish.
***
I'm a fucking walking paradox
No I'm not -Tyler, the Creator "Yonkers"
"Ah yass mah boy!" Aidan exclaimed as he claimed a bottle of whiskey from mine & started to get frisky with my kitchen counter. He glugged & glugged & satisfied he set down the bottle & exhaled. "Finally, AIDS has come back to iWs!"
"There has to be a better way to phrase that."
"You may be right, you may be right. But the point, and the song, both remain the same - I'm back this week, baby!" he shouted holding up a poster hyping the upcoming show.
"I just heard from Sharpe that I have a match this week, but he had to get off the phone before he mentioned my opponent, lemme see that card," I ask & he complies & I study the card closely to see where I fit in - I'm just tryin to get in where I fit in, or so I've heard Aidan say to a few nice ladies who let him in, if you know what I mean - & I scan & I see a #1 contenders match that doesn't include me & so I keep scanning and finally I see Aidan's... er Aiden's name, tucked away at the bottom a return fit for a jobber, or Daniel Bryan & I see his opponent...
"Did you happen to see who you're facing this week?"
"Yup some new guy, Paradox or something. With it a name like that, it sounds like he's trying too hard. Who the fuck would use an infrequently used noun that starts with a P and involves an X as a ring name?"
I stare at a Aidan long enough that he should have an epiphany and realize what he just said and why I'm looking at him like this but he doesn't and so I stop because my eyes got tired.
"There is no Paradox," well, there almost was, but I couldn't quite motivate myself to create a new character named Paradox & fill out a contract for him & register on the boards as him & then create a backstory/voice for him, maybe by the time I finish this RP the god afflatus will have visited me and Paradox will exist, but not yet. "You're facing me this week."
"Fuck my stars! You fell pretty far - champ for a minute and now you're slumming it against me in my return. How the fuck did that happen?"
"Well, to be fair, in each of our last matches, we lost the Universe Title."
"Don't remind me of that beating I took at the hands of Riot. I suppose this makes my most recent horrorscope for myself make a lot more sense," he sez as he pulls out a wadded up piece of paper and tosses it to me as he tosses back another swig of whiskey. I cautiously unwrap Aidan's wad and flatten it out and read 'Paroxysm is a fucking walking paradox. No he's not.'
"Why is your horrorscope about me?"
"Don't ask me I don't make this shit up, I'm just a conduit for the message that comes from beyond this world." I stare at him curiously and then carefully crumple up the paper and toss it back to him, for safe keeping. "So," he begins between gulps of sweet sweet liquor, "what, uhh... what the fuck are we going to do about this match?"
"Aidan, we've had at least 100 matches in training, and countless other partials. What do you mean 'what the fuck are we gonna do?' we're gonna wrestle. And whoever wins, wins."
"Well... can ya go easy on me to start? It's been awhile, ya know..."
"Yah, yah, shore buddy, I'll go easy to start."
"Good. Goooooood..."
***
