"I'm the man!" I shout, to no one in particular, a rallying cry that rings hollow inside. I mean, I know I am THE man, I'm the Universe Champion. I beat Dorian Blake at the height of his reign. The man who stole the title from me. I took it back and finally made it back to the top of the mountain. And sure, the view from the top is great. It's beautiful, tremendous, really, it is. And I appreciate it. But, it's just... off. When I won the Universe title, that was supposed to be it. It was supposed to be my crowning acheivement and to cement my legacy amongst the greats. It was supposed to finally put me up there with the Dax Clarks, the AJ Riots, and the Josie Pleasures of the wrestling world; it was supposed to be the title that finally showed that after all the years of hard work, all the sacrifices, all the training, all the lack of sleep, all the horrible travel, the cramped accommodations, the wrestling five shows in six nights in six different states, all the different bars, minibars, nightclubs, dance clubs, billy clubs... after all those things, this win and this title were going to complete my circle.
And, I guess it did complete this circle. But now what? Now that I have what I was chasing, what the fuck do I do? This title doesn't bring back lost time. It can't raze Rabbit from the dead - I know, because I've tried. Winning this title and hearing the fans chant "PA-ROX-YSM!" *clap*clap*clapclapclap* was an amazing feeling, an amazing high. But it still doesn't match the high I get when I used to make Maddy smile. And that's the frustrating part. All this effort and I'm still empty inside. I suppose that's only fitting. I was focused on completing my circle. All the while, I was ignoring what a circle actually looks like. Serves me right that I feel hollow in the center now.
I've been so focused on accomplishing this goal that so many of the little things that I used to love and cherish have just fallen off. What used to make me happy has been untended and left to shrivel and die. And it's left me with this void that I've wracked my brain trying to fill but I'm devoid of the answers and pain killers and I'm just not quite sure what to do now. Take the blue pill and I'll grow to 4 times my size, take the red pill and I'll be able to hone in on things like never before, but then I come down and nothing is gained, nothing is retained, and back comes the pain, stronger than before. And now, I don't even have that luxury. I've got nothing to take to get me out of this funk. Nothing around the van, nothing packed away, nothing anywhere. I feel like nothing means nothing. Usually in times like these, I can rely on my past self who ends up being way more thoughtful than I realize and hides a bottle or two for me to find in times of crisis, like this one. But there isn't anything to be found tucked under the spare tire, there isn't anything in my spare wrestling boots, there isn't anything packed in with the healthy snacks - the one place I know Aidan won't ever check - and there isn't even a pill laying around in my extra glasses case. And since we've been on the road so long, bouncing back and forth across the country, I haven't had time to make any new friends. What I would give to get a text asking if I want to play some football - fuck I can almost taste the xanny thinking about it. Or some percs or v10s or somas - god how I miss those things.
***
Aidan and Mark decided that they wanted to go off and shoot guns because Murica and asked if I wanted to go. I politely declined & told them that I was gonna watch some tape & get prepared for Hallowicked, & rest up. Truthfully, I don't really feel like doing any of that shit either. If Blake came over, knocked on the door & asked for the title right now, hell, I'd probably hand it over to him, you know, like I did a couple weeks ago at Injection, but this time I'd just let him keep the damn thing. It's just causing me more pain and grief than it is doing me any good.
*knock*knock*knock*
Holy shit! Well, hmm, if I knew I had that kinda power, I woulda asked for it a lot sooner. Ah, who am I kidding, I woulda asked for Maddison to show up, naked. Then I'd probably just FedEx the title to Blake and retire to the hills...
"Who is it?" I call out as I peel myself off the bed and start for the door. I'm unsure whether I'm going to be happy, sad, or terrified if this actually is Blake. If it is him, what other amazing super powers might I have? Is this something I inherited from my folks? If so, why the fuck didn't they tell me sooner?
Just before I get any of those questions answered, a card is inserted into the door, the lock beeps, and the handle is turned. I freeze and see an early twenties latina house keeper enter the room. She freezes as well. It's at this point that I'm reminded that I'm completely naked. It wasn't a conscious decision to be naked right now, it's just that I was never motivated enough to put pants on today.
She blushes and looks away as I struggle to find something to put on real quick. I find my jeans laying within arms reach of where I had stopped and I frantically try to put them on, hopping on one leg to get them pulled up.
"AAIIIIIEEEE!!!!" I scream out and grab at my foot. I've managed to get it caught in one of the mouse traps that Aidan has left around his bed. Aidan has many neuroses, too many to list them all, but the one that's led to my foot getting caught in a mousetrap and is making me hop so far backward that I tripped over the corner of the bed and land square on my back (smacking my head quite hard on the ground), is the one that causes him to lay mouse traps where ever we go, isn't musophobia.
"Mickey Phobia," Aidan began to explain to me the first time I saw him laying down a mouse trap.
"Mickey Phobia?"
"Fuck yes, Peazy, I'm so goddamn terrified of that little bastard Mickey Mouse with his beady little eyes and that shit eating grin of his... If he wasn't so terrifying, I'd punch him right in that stupid nose of his!"
"So.... you put mouse traps around your bed?"
"Bingo."
"To protect you from a cartoon mouse?"
"Look," he said as he stood up & pointed a mouse trap three inches from my face, "If you want to believe the lies that the media feeds you, be my guest. But I can see with my own two eyes that Mickey is creepy as fuck and I can see with my eyes that he's a mouse. So, I'm doing what any good mouse catcher would do."
"By setting 17 mouse traps around a bed?"
"Exactly Paro. You see, the standard full size hotel bed is 75" long and 54" wide. With one edge against the wall, that means that the outer perimeter is 75+75+54, or 204". I figure that when dealing with someone as conniving and diabolical as Mickey Mouse, a safe distance between mouse traps is 12". 204 divided by 12 is exactly 17. That's just math and you can't deny that it's a fact." I listened and watched intently as Aidan continued placing down the mouse traps exactly 12 inches apart.
"Aidz?"
"Yeah buddy?"
"You're setting the traps 12 inches away from the bed."
"Good eye Peazy. It's a well known fact that Mickeey Mouse has a vertical leap of 30" and, on average, can post a long jump of just over 5 feet. Pretty impressive for a mouse, no? Ol' Aidan Ca has a 36 and 3 quarter inch vertical and and a long jump of just under 18 feet, which is more than 10 feet shy of the world record. Needless to say, if I was competing head to head with lil Mickey, I'd crush him in damn near every Olympic event ever held. But, ol' Mickey would likely beat any other mouse competing. Now, all that said, if one were to combine Mickey's long jump and vertical leap and calculate the arctan of the resulting curve, one would see that for Mickey to be expected to reach an apex of 28 inches, that's the height of this here bed, he'll need to leap from no more than 10 inches away. I figure that an extra two inches should be enough to compensate from any psychopathic andrenaline burst he might gain in his excitement to terrorize me."
"Well, yes, everyone knows that to all be true. But, if you move the mouse traps out a foot, you're going to need to recalculate the total perimeter. Instead of 75 by 54, you're looking at 87 by 78. 87 plus 87 plus 78 equals 252 inches. Now, to maintain your same 12 inch spacing, you're gonna need exactly 21 total mouse traps, not 17." Aidan doesn't look up at me, he continues to lay down mouse traps, but I know he's doing the math in his head.
"God damnit!" Aidan shouts as he throws down the mouse trap in his hand. The force that the trap was lauched with causes it and the other nearby traps to snap shut and jump about.
Aidan storms out of the hotel room without saying another word.
An hour or so later he returns with 10 extra mouse traps, just incase there were any more mathematical surprises.
When I open my eyes, I see the housekeepers face set against the backdrop of the ceiling tile. She lets out a sigh of relief.
"You live," she says as she continues to hover over me. What does she mean by that? Was I out cold? I start to move my hands and feel around a bit. I'm still not clothed, but I am covered up with a blanket. Continuing to conduct my body check confirms my fear - I'm currently fully aroused. Which means only one thing - I must have been knocked unconscious. I don't remember exactly when this started happening, but I've gotten so far into autoerotic asphyxiation that it seems that the only time I can get fully aroused is when I'm fully unconcious. Remind me to talk to my shrink about this the next time I see her.
[yeah, I don't know why you think I'd do anything to help you out...]
It was wishful thinking, I know. As I regain consciousness, the tent I've set up starts to deflate and I'm finally able to finish pulling up my pants. I rub my head and neck and look up at the maid, who's still hovering over me. Maybe she liked what she saw...
[Fat chance of that.]
"How long was I out?" I ask partially out of curiousity, but mostly to break this awkward silence. She realizes she's still hovering and starts to move back a bit. She looks down at her watch and back at me.
"5 maybe 10 minutes. Very scary. I'm glad you're okay," she says with a big bright beautiful smile. I slowly sit up now that I've got room to do so, and she quickly composes herself. As I look around, reacquainting myself with this temporary room of mine, the house keeper quickly gathers up her things.
"Leaving already?" I query as she heads out the door.
"Yes, yes, will come back later," she says as she hurries out the door.
"Well that was weird," I say to no one but myself.
[And me...]
"Fuck, what are you doing here? I thought you were hanging with Aidan now?"
[Is there a difference?]
***
I sit and sit and sit and wait and wait and wait. Patiently at that, I might add, but she never returns and I start to fear and to fret that I might not ever see her again and then I start to worry and wonder if this might be the last time I get to really spend with this title, the Universe title. Blake wants this. Pain wants this. Raven wants this. And, anyone of them might just walk out of Hallowicked with this draped over their shoulder. And that just won't do. But I have an ace up my sleeve. Litterally. I found an extra pill and a clean needle, a spoon, and soon, all my troubles will be past...