:::Casket Match for Universe Title:::

[AJ]

----Main Event----
:::Casket Match for Universe Title:::
Dorian Blake vs. Aidan Cash

*Post your Role Plays below, RP Limit = 2 RP
Deadline= May 19th @11pm Eastern

[Blake Archer "The Dorian Blake]

Her touch is cold unlike any other's I have ever felt and to me this touch is the best in the world. 

"Sweetheart are you ok?"

"I am fine." I reply to my wife Mary Jane, unlike you I took her. That is why guys like me get girls like her. I did not care about Sprit Fire and I did not care about Maxine all I cared about was taking what I wanted. I am getting off topic though on my lap I don't just have one title now, I have two. The IWS Universe Championship and the IWS Tag Team Championship. Whatever Brandon Young might think we have these titles because I simply wanted to have them. 

"Josie called me earlier today." Mary Jane says again her sweet voice giving harmony to my ears.

"Did she now?" I ask slightly interested, but still captured by the reflection in both title belts. My mask hides it but I still see that arrogant smile, that extremely sexy man who has grown better with age. Gold really is my color now that I have had time to get used to it. Both the titles are strapped together and I stand up and turn around to meet eyes with Mary Jane. "You tell her I have plans. First I have to know she is on board for this, I have to know that Shane is in on this too. Queen Sophie wants to put another man's life in danger. Do you still love me Mary Jane?"

"Yes!" She says slightly annoyed I would dare ask her such a thing. I chuckle for a second.

"See some people do not care about me anymore, they say I have changed... Aidan Cash is talking about how he beat me, record books might show that he has a victory over me, but that is not today that was than. Do you see these?" I asks her clinching both my fist in front of me. My torso also flexes and I notice her eyes eat up my physique gleeful that it is all her's. "These are the only weapon I need, with these I can beat a man down and I can make him scream that he quits. I have brought life into this world with these hands and I have taken life out of this world. Everywhere that I have been and everywhere that I am about to go these will go with me. Oct 13, 2015 the day Paroxysm got a taste of my real pain. October 13th, 2011 that was the day that not a briefcase, but a mere artifact kept me from my destiny. What does he really know about having things stolen? Nothing I did these people a favor...I did Paroxysm...a favor by stealing the breath from Rabbit. I am telling you Mary Jane it was magnificent. I felt the memories the blood return to my brain. Who am I that has been on my mind. I see myself in the gold just like your eyes, that's what I remember about it. That poor boy behind the Rabbit mask....Tolkien, AJ Riot's twin brother and the beloved stoner of IWS, the life it left his eyes. I felt the sadness of all IWS not just his brother who tried to assault me the pathetic chair bound idiot....idiot! i heard his screams but it was music to my ears. That is what I will make Paroxysm sound like as I bury his friend Cash six feet under. I will not just shut him in that casket, but I will have prepared for him a grave that his dreams at this title will rest eternally."

His wife hangs on his every word there is a bit of worry as she knows what being the Universe Champion means to her husband. It is her job now that they are reunited to make sure that he does not lose control again. People should know not to mess with him though after what has happened to Rabbit, she is sad that he died, but that doesn't make Blake a monster for defending his status.


In front of you I stand a giant man, my muscles are basically mountains. I am thick and I can move like a ballerina when I need to. This is the man that is under this mask, this is the man that will shut the lid on you Cash.




This is my time at the top nothing will ever take this spot away from me again. Underneath all of this I can fight free, underneath all of this I remain trapped. None of you want me to get out of here, and I will never get buried again. I know I will have to do a lot, you have friends. I also have friends and mine are legends. This is your ticket to fame, I hope you are watching Paroxysm, because you will lose more and more people until you learn that this world is for carnivores like me. I am the IWS Universe and 1 half of the IWS tag team champions. Soon the entire cosmos will remember mine name for all eternity. Bend your knee and perhaps I will grant mercy, stand and fight and you will feel my might.

[Aidan Ca$h]

"God damnit Aidan! This isn't what people mean when they say they're keepin it 100," Paro said as he turned down the thermostat.

"Turn down for what!?"

"For the heating bill Aidan, that's for what."

"Fine, whatever you say PZ," sez I whiles I paused and cast a cross-eyed slant eyed sideways glance in his general direction and I slowly secretly slithered up behind him while he was going 100 to 64 real quick, real fuckin quick, and I whispered in his ear, "Ya know... you've gotten really boring lately Peazy," he jumped a bit and was startled by my startling statement that I'd been thinkin about for a bit and I thought I'd thunk enough to finally come out and just say it so I said it and he recoiled and stopped on 88* farenheit (precisely the exact temperature of Megan's warm hole that I travelled in and out of last night in the back of my DeLorean) the thermostat flickered the ground beneath and the roof above us vibrated and trembled and briefly we were transported 30 years into the past and Paro and Pentacon Jr were both exactly 312 days old and I wasn't but a figment in Peazy's imagination yet and so I couldn't see anything but I heard all things and then the thermostat flickered again and we were back in the present, or the future if you think that little blip was the present, then this is the future. So as I contemplated the concept of linear time taking a stroll down memory lane, I unscrewed the front element of the rectilinear lens that I look through when I examine my memory bank and zoomed into the details of my biased deceptive occasionally delusional memories of mammaries from days gone by and still I think of you as the deep dark clouds swirled above the roof of the condo and Paro finally broke free from the spell that I couldn't even begin to spell which is sayin something since I am a 7 time 6th place finisher in the Quad cities spelling bee and he managed to turn the thermostat down low enough to break free of this time freeze and the cabin depressurized and the clouds parted and I farted and things were back to normal and I breathed a sigh of relief but one that wasn't too deep because that was one of those rotten egg prehistoric-extra sulfur ass blasts and Paro fainted and I stepped over him and quickly turned the thermostat back up to 100.

When Paro awoke lyin in a puddle of his own sweet sweat sweated out because of the subtropical semi-arid conditions that come with keepin it 100.

"FOR FUCKS SAKE AIDAN!" Paro climbs up to his feet and turns the thermostat down ah-gain. Not wanting to split the time space continuum ah-gain, I wait and wait and wait till it's finally to a temperature He likes - 64* in the winter 76* in the summer. So practical and so boring. As I lie in wait patiently, I forget what I'm waiting for and wander over to the kitchen and line up a couple of shots of takillya in honor of cuarto de enero and drink one for me and I drink one for Paro then I pour two more and do one with Paro who's now forgiven me for my prehistoric passing of gas and decides that another shot is okay dokay which I agrees with and we both down another.

"Soooo, soooo... so what I was tryin to say earlier," I stammer and stutter as I start to delicately describe what I so bluntly blurted out before, "what I was tryin to say, is that, when's the last time you made a real change? I mean, the last time you got out of your comfort zone?"

"What he's tryin to say, is that enough is enough, and it's time for a change!" said the ghost of Owen Hart who disappeared as quickly as he materialized.

"Yeah, what Owen Hart said," sez I.

"If that's what your goal is, then good job with the thermostat, 100* is definitely out of my comfort zone."

"Yass... yass... good. Look, what I'm tryin to say is... it's been forever since we've moved."

"Yeah, that's typically what happens when you purchase a home."

"That's not the dream I was sold."

"Dream you were sold? Aidan, you just started living here without any warning. One day you didn't live here, then the next day your stuff was here."

"Scoff!"

"Aidan, people don't say 'scoff', they just make a sound like *scoff*."

"I've heard it both ways. Look, I showed up to manage your career & be your life coach. Look where that's gotten us!" Paro looks around & looks back at me & looks around again.

"Yes, let's look. I can't keep a couch in here because of your neon green love stains, you drink all my booze," ironically, I was in the process of taking a shot as he said that, "you get death threats here because everyone thinks you're in the KKK from that horrorscope infomercial crap, you let some renegade clowns paintball Mark's car, you used me to win the Universe title two years ago & when I won, where the fuck where you to save me from Blake?" Fuck. All of those were legit points he made. So I poured out a shot, JUST ONE, for him and not one for me, to signify that I'm tryin to change and that I don't drink all his booze. Then I walked over and turned the thermostat down one degree to show that I'm really tryin to make some changes.

"Aidan, I appreciate those gestures. And I hear what you're sayin about this comfort zone stuff, but I can't just up and move like I used to. I've got a condo and a life here and..." Paro trailed off.

"Ahh yass... but imagine a condo and a life somewhere else! The possibilities are endless!"

"But..."

"Forget her. She isn't here. She's never gonna come around. Accept it. Now sack up, let's move."

"Lemme think about it..." I knew he wouldn't think about it, but I let the subject die anyway.



***



"Hey Peazy!" I shoutz from my room.

"Yeah buddy," comes the reply.

"You ever have sooo much lotion on your hands from cranking one out that you can't open a door, ya know, cuz like your hands are too slippery?!"

...

...

...

"Well, have you?!"

"Nope."

"Oh... me either."

...

...

...

"Hey Peazy!"

"Yeah buddy."

"Can you come open this door for me?"



***



*It's dark out. That's how it usually is at night. But it feels darker than normal to him. He finishes packing up his things and moves onto His things. It's amazing what one can accomplish with an eight ball, bitcoin, the silk road, and a plan. It might be a horrible plan, but it is A plan, he thinks. He checks his phone and sees the time is now, and heads out side with an overstuffed suitcase and a box full of superfluous kitchen appliances which he's sold for 50 cents on the dollar to the gentleman waiting downstairs. He's also sold His car to this gentleman. The man hands him an envelope and he hands over the keys, they swapped the title earlier in the day. It's crazy, he thinks, that people think he looks so much like Him that he didn't even need to make a fake ID. He tosses another box into the moving van, putting it next to the yurts. A handful of clothes and all the booze in the house, who needs anything else he thinks. He closes the rear door and heads back inside and mixes up his signature roofie-rita and leaves it on His night stand. He sits on the ground and goes over his notepad - condo - sold; car - sold; kitchen bullshit - sold; yurts - purchased; booze - packed; desert images - surveyed; roofie-rita - mixed and in place; finish eight ball - *sniff*. *



***



"Where... what's going on?" I take my eyes off the road briefly and survey Paro's condition.

"Ahh yass mah boy, ahhh yass... just a little road trip. I bet you're mighty parched, your water bottle is right there," sez I as I point to the position of his precious water bottle that I've poisoned with the proper mixture to make sure he sleeps the rest of the journey. I'll deal with telling him where we're gonna be living when we get there...



***

"Paro, no no no, calm down calm down," I repeated hoping that if I repeated it enough times he would actually chill out.

"Calm down? You want me to calm down? You sold my condo, you sold my car, you sold half of my clothes, you used the money to buy some Yurts and move us out to the middle of the goddamn desert, and you want me to calm down?!" I continued to back up as he marched towards me with fire blazing in his eyes.

"Yeah." He finally stopped stalking me, relaxed his shoulders, and took in a few deep breaths of that beautiful American fresh air. I pulled out my emergency joint and handed it over to him. He lifted up his mask, and put the j to his lips, lit, and inhaled. Exhaled. Coughed. Passed back to me.

"Ain't shit I can do to get those things back," he said, having resigned himself to the situation.

"Nope," sez I with a dumb smile.

"Getting angry about this ain't gonna help either..." he paused to take another rip which he held in for at least a minute. Mighta been longer, this gorilla glue weed I picked up in Colorado is strong AF.

"Yup yup," I replied. I couldn't remember if it was an appropriate reply at the time, but figured he would know what I meant.

"Alllll right. Alright. Soooo... now what?"

"Thass mah boy! Now EZPZ, we figure out how to set up this yurt!"



***



"What the iWs and the rest of the world was supposed to see at ManicMania, was the coronation of the new dominant force in iWs - Ca$h & Maddow, a team feared by their opponents and respected as the best in the world, the greatest tag team the world has seen in years. And it almost came to fruition. Who eliminated the most tag teams? Us. Who had the fastest elimination? Us. Who was the only team that coulda prevented that murdering psycho sadistic mother fucker from holding the Universe Title and Tag Titles? Us. And we woulda done it too, if only...

"There they were, the iWs Tag Team Titles, they were ours for the taking. Then, as quickly as they appeared, they were snatched away by some has been with a fucking brick in his stupid big dumb oversized hat. Sharky Magwell or whatever your dumb name is, what you did was unjustifiable. Look, you say 'oh but Master Aidan, your assault on us was unjustified!' Wrong. That was a circumstance of wrong place wrong time. Me and Panda, we don't have anything against you. Hell, we love America. It was just that, we wanted, no NEEDED, to send a message to the iWs universe, and you happened to be the first team we saw.

"So here we are, goldless and godless. My waist is chilly and my mind is clouded with rage. Fortunately for me, I have a chance this week to clear, no, BURY, both of those issues when I take on Dorian Balakay for the iWs Universe Championship. Finally getting my Universe Title rematch after that psycho AJ Riot nearly ended my career. AJ Riot - whatever Rev's doing to you, know that you're lucky that it's him and not me.

"Back to Balakay. We've been here before, you and I, with that title on the line. Back then, it was my title! It was plain to see, I had taken two Ca$h Crab stickers and carefully placed them on the title to show the world, NAY, universe that it was mine. Look at the title now, it looks so dumb, so boring, you don't even have one sticker on it, let alone two. Scoff. Some champ you are.

"But in our last match, it was I who was vic-vic-victorious. It was I who came out ahead. Check the scoreboard, 1 for Aidan Ca$h, 0 for Dora the Explorer. And after I get you in that casket and seal it shut, it'll be Aidan Ca$h 2, Dorian Gray 0.

"And once it is Ca$h 2, Blake 0 at this weeks Injection, I'll get my hands back on that title that looks so right wrapped around my midsection. I've got the fresh stickers right here Dorian. Imma stand on top of that casket and carefully affix each to it's proper position and then - then I'm gonna party on top of that casket, Imma dougie, Imma shoulda lean, shit, I might even whip and naynay, what do you say? I just may! And then, and only then, will I be back on top of the world, sky high, and I know Peazy will be proud of me once again."[/font]

[Blake Archer "The Dorian Blake]

Blake, we have this match against Aidan Cash where I have to put him in a casket.... or he will win our title!!!! You know what you must do.... you must Cut the best Promo of Our Life!!!!! 
So I went into the desert and I banged my wife and I just so happened to cut the greatest Promo of my life, it was the greatest Primo of my life! Look into these eyes and its easy to see, I look like you and you look like me this is destiny!!!

Needless to say I knew I had beaten Aidan Cash, all I had to do was slam that casket lid down on his face. and it would be over in a flash.

At that moment... I forgot his name. That motherfucker I need to slam the casket lid down on. I fucked up I had the best Goddamn idea and than I forgot how to spell and That mother fucker's name oh yea..... A-I-D-A-N C-A-S-H cost me my entire (RP- This word has been bleeped bad, breaking fourthwall) you know?! AHHHHHH!!!!! It's fucking Aidan Cash... A-I-D-A-N and if you fucking spell it backwords it's fucking N-A-D-I-A you know that trailer park girl that hung out with Jamie Noble!

And the particular thing is that primo we cut on that particular night didn't really sound anything like this Promo!!!! This is just a tribute........



Wow 
......you were listening to this song DRIFT for like over and hour Blake.


Yea... and than you switched it to Jeff Hardy's  Resurrected for for 30 mins Dorian! God what happened? Where are we? Why is there sand in my ass? Fuck it just... Just... put it back so we can get this mother fucker over with and get home back in bed with my amazingly beautiful and spicy wife.

Are you gonna let Cash beat us?

No....



Ah right.... yea that did piss me off..... Thanks buddy you are being really nice. Ok...........(You said you would switch it...Thanks) So back to where I was getting with everything, from before that only you and I will ever experience, much like everything right?



Whatever you say....
.....George!!!



What? ... ... ... (now this sounds familiar ...alright!)



"I said are you alright...." I stop her getting up and slamming my mask off the basement floor. 
Ah the memories of being discarded... let me tell you.



"AHHHHHHHHHH! Don't.... say... that... ... ever." I erupted with rage, and than slowly calmed myself down. Dorian is mad because he fell, I am mad because we don't like that name, we don't like that man. Everyone that we kill we kill thinking of him. His sluts, his whores, anyone that wants to be him and anyone that wants to be with him. I have taken anger management. My father is famous, but why? He is racist, he is a womanizer, he never was at any of my birthdays, or most holidays he ignored me. It wasn't until my baby brother was born that he noticed me and than it was only to beat me for hurting my little brother instead of taking care of him. Oh well... I have my brother back, and my wife, and my sis and am the Universe Champion and Tag Team Champion. So what I killed Rabbit, and the few others I won't mention that don't have evidence against me yet. So what... 



"Love... I am so sorry sweetheart. It's just that you have been sitting there with your mask over top of your title starting at them for well over and hour just humming and laughing. I thought that..." I calm down more she was scared and not of me but she thought she had lost me. I wrap my arms around her and kiss her on top of the forehead.
He well we both realize she is scared but perhaps I see it more because I am not blinded by childhood puppy love. I see her with real eyes. She is shaking, and her eyes are focused on every movement We make. Did we hit her again? *sighs*


"It's ok babe I should be sorry. I obviously scared you and I hate when I do that. I lose control, I lose who I am. I will do anything to make it stop from taking control of me, but it's stronger than I am." I look into her face as I look for a sign that she is better, that she forgives me for whatever transgression the demon inside me has committed against her. Whatever I was not able to save her from. Why I let him take over... that is why I let him protect all of us. I see him in the blackest black.....

Blake... your face it's there in her eyes... .Seee me???



"Oh God!!!!" I ejaculated as if I was some peppy little girl full of spunk like Kandi Apple when she interviews people like Paroxysm. I cover my face and trip over the chair I had been sitting on before crawling over to put my mask back on. I breath heavily as I have a panic attack. Thanks Dorian.... you saved me.

Yup! I got you, she is trying to distract you. Do you remember what had you so mad that you had to talk to me?

Uh... ... ... Crash... NO! C-A-S-H! Not the green, the man. You know honestly I don't hate the guy and I think that is why he beat us. I mean look at us and look at him.

I think it was our pain brother... it was our pain. Trust me, you and I will let them hear it this week. Go on spend some time with your wife, I will just watch.

"Huh?" I start to come to a little bit, and I feel Mary Jane sitting next to me on the floor holding me up against.... Hmmmm her breast.



"I asked if you are ok, you hit your head off the chair and ...." She worried again... AHHHHH!!!! I am not gonna strangle her, I told her that was a mistake and that guy is dead. D-E-A-D! In fact that was what got me onto my rant. I remember now (do you think maybe my computer fucks up every time I took a hard bump as a kid? Weirdness.....back to Blake) I remember how I looked at her smiling at me hmm yes that smile. So beautiful she paid good money for it too. Not that she had bad teeth before, but every time she seen herself she seen gap toothed Madonna. She pets my head and shushes me, I know she wants to calm me down from this panic attack. I sigh as my breath returns.



"I am fine... I just can't ... you know..." I don't even know what I am talking about. I am attempting not to get too excited about her being all mine. How much of her body and soul I own and how guys WISH they had this to go home to.



"Yes I do I am sorry sweetheart I really am. I love you Blake, I only want to have your babies, I only want to raise your babies. I love you so much I just couldn't if anything..." She puts her hand on my thigh and holds onto me. I have this feeling I was crying and don't remember. Why else would she change so drastically? 



"I know." I sit up and hold onto her letting her shake inward the tears. or is that me? She grew up like I did broken and perhaps we might never be fixed. I envy Dax Clark because he is perhaps the best role model I have ever had. However hard his life was it never broke him he was always righteous by Dax Clark.


I space out a little bit holding her, and thinking about how I want to be the best man I can be for her. How can Cash say I am a psycho? You don't go pointing your finger at fucking crazy people! I know she is holding it in but Mary Jane is angry with him. Josie would say it is a compliment, and Shane.... while Shane would just laugh. Hehe crazy mo'fo....



BLAKE THE GOOSEBUMPS! There they are so like remember right Shane and the goosebumps. This is life when it really gets into your bones that's when you feel it. Do you think people like Aidan Cash feels this? Life comes so easy to him that he drowns his sorrows into the bottom of a bottle with his best friend.



We were smoking before dude...



Shhhh!!! You shut up, you have no idea what is going on just like Paroxysm. I wish I could slap the bitch right outta your mouth most days. That shit is natural you remember Dax Clark said so all the time to people. That was not important, what was important was I was protecting my baby....



Baby was a black sheep, baby was a whore, baby got big and baby gotten bigger. baby got a gun, Baby got her finger on the trigger. baby, baby, baby was a rock and roll ni**er! This is.... your world in which we grow.... and we will grow to hate you!


"HAHA good song... JESUS IT'S COLD!"
I look around (more goosebumps) I am sitting in the sand.... NAKED?! I jump up quickly and stumble around. I had one of those "moments" again. I hurry up and rub my left hand over my face and slightly calm down feeling my mask on my face. I don't even care that I am missing clothes anymore. Mostly because when I look down I see that Mary Jane is sleeping curled up under a blanket and probably in a sleeping bag as well.
"What the fuck brought me her out here?" I say to myself a little quieter than the Jesus comment, I don't want to wake her up till I remember what happened. hehe. I wonder to myself if this is how Adam felt when God had awoken him and there was Eve? Damn that's some shit...

Ah! Yea... Cash of all people should know I had to do what I did, why is he even hanging out with Paroxysm and letting him bring him down? That is what killed Rabbit you know... He tried so hard to save his adoptive brother Raven Trueblood, and let's face it will Raven ever grow up? No... because he is Peter Pan motherfucker. This reminds me of why I hate The Father... He set a bad example. When someone pop up and makes you think this next motherfucker's gonna get my title!

*sings* Yea.... next motherfucker's gonna get my title! ... I Wannna grow up... I Wannna beeeee a BIG WRESTLING CHAMPIAAaaaaaaan. I wanna grow up... I wanna beeee so no one, fucks with MMmmeeeeeee! *stops singing* That's right Blake let's tell these bitches! None of these bitches can take our title!

Psycho?! .... Fuck you boy.. is he a boy, well he is small enough next to me to be one! I have build this body for my goal every day of my life. Always there in the weight room with my dad drilling me (GROSS!) Shut up! You... You Cash rather me be a loser like Rabbit that spends his life trying to bring hope to the hopeless.... H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S! When I debuted in FWE I had this guy say... Boy did mommy and daddy not hug you enough as a kid? boo-hoo. You know how much that pissed me off? I am Glad Paroxysm is pissed, the little shit. Why doesn't Cash just say that and if he can't change than trim the fat bud, do yourself and Maddow a favor, you know what I mean. Look at this....
*Blake leans down and grabs his Universe Title and Tag Team title out from under the blanket with Mary Jane. Yes still naked stop thinking about looking! The camera never shows anything unless you are behind some rock watching this I guess. He holds up his Universe Title proudly having no shame in his bright green eyes*
"Oh and don't forget... that."
*Now he holds up the Tag Team title. Just as cocky as he does. His head swells with pride he did something his father never could, and he did it better.*
"Let's face it if I wanted to take the eXtinction title away from Raven all I would have to do is snap my fingers and ask for a match against everyone that wants a piece and I would break them all off a piece and shove it up their ass and take what I want. Josie and Shane and I are Legendary for a reason, words don't just drip out our mouths like a lot of you we actually beat some ass inside that ring and if we fail we try again better next week. That's being Legendary what are you gonna do about it? Do you know what I mean, can you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?"


I sure do Blake, I am right here with you.


"Hunny?" Mary Jane starts to stir and I panic... Hidden cameras??!?!? They ain't looking at my wife! Perverts!

I diver over the blanket holding both of my titles and she rolls around and smiles at me realizing I am naked and that's how she likes it. haha, oh yea.

She puts her arms around me and I realize how close I am to her bare skin. I imagine the jealousy that guys could feel, not to mention the ladies. Both of us like that in a sense I guess we get off on it.
Do any of you guys get this on a nightly basis? Soft nurturing hands, that perfect smile that melts a heart in seconds. Those eyes that peer right through me. Those c-cup titties that are all her's and sooooooo soft. Yeah I love Mary Jane....

.....
...........
.................. Bob Backland! BLAKE! Remember Bob Backland! !


Oh! Shit, WRESTLING is LIFE! Rule #1!!! She is my wife and wrestling is my life. You can screw one, but you beter never screw up either! "Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"


"What did you call me?!?!" She gasp and slaps me hard in the chest. Ouch... trust me it hurts no matter how big your muscles are when she hits you.


"Nothing Baby... Its what Jim Duggan.... never mind babe." Damn did we pass out together or get down and dirty? *shakes head* it doesn't matter. The point is I want to go home and get a shower and get this sand out my ass for real. Cash will go to his eternal nightmare after I lock him in that casket. Closed quarters, no where to go and no way out. He will enter that same prison we live in right Dorian? Yes this injection Cash will get a taste of the eternal darkness.

And THIS was the Tribute to the greatest promo of My Life. You got to believe me and I wish you were there.... it was Legendary..... the greatest promo of My Life!

[Aidan Ca$h]

Mark and I hop off the dune buggy and take one last swig of Jameson before continuing our trek by moonlight. I open up the bag I've affixed to the back of the dune buggy and carefully place my precious bottle of whisky inside. I grab my knapsack out of it, scan through everything to make sure I have everything I need. Mark's growing impatient with me since I have yet to explain to him exactly what the fuck we're doing out in the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere miles from our camp. I glance up at the stars, it's a beautiful clear night and make a note of our starting position and I double check my notes before I start off, following the stars as my guide.

"Yo, are you really navigating by the stars?"

"Shore am Markus."

"Ohkay." This is what I like about Mark Maddow, his faith in me. Or maybe it's his casual curiosity and knowing that at any given moment you might witness Aidan Cash's death. Either way, what he doesn't know and doesn't care to know is that I spent three summers as a night time navigator for desert exploration trips. It was during the dark years back when Paroxysm disappeared from the face of the earth and Dax thought he'd never hear from him again. I didn't think I'd hear from him either.

We continue our trek in silence. Which is good cuz for once I'm lost in thought with this casket match. In hindsight it's pretty goddamn amazing that I didn't get us lost. Yeah I've been in the ring before with Balakay and yeah I came away victorious and yeah I'm the goddamn corn dog king, but some days you got it and some days you're a little soggy or groggy or foggy and momentarily I remember where we're going and what we're gonna try to see and I start to get froggy thinking aboot tit, I mean it, so I pause for a brief 1-2-3 yoga breath like I see Paro do all the time but I cough and let out a big cloud of smoke and I try to think about how Paro does it without coughing and I remember that he usually, but not always, doesn't have a blunt in his mouth so I pass the blunt to Maddow and try it again but I forget what the definition of it is so I look at my map again and recount all the steps we've taken to get here and point to the spot where we are on the map with 91.8% confidence and I take another rip from the blunt and point again this time with 102.7% confidence! and it's plain to me that on this x/y plane my confidence is of the chain it's incredible and with my newfound confidence I march on with my head held high and my hands held higher because if you really wanna party with me you gotta put your hands where my eyes can see and then I ate the blunt cuz it seemed like the buckwildin thing to do at the time but in hindsight it was terrible and my confidence dropped back down to 89.7% and I got a little sad till I spied with my little eye the things we came to see so I stop and Mark stops and I check the map and realize we found the mark that I marked and I mark out and out come my binoculars just to confirm and my confidence grows back to 103.2% which is pretty good on a scale to 104.8.

"Aidan, why are we here?"

"Mark that is a great question," I say with a bit of a sigh and put the binoculars down and take a lay on the ground and Mark does the same and we stare up at all 238 stars that you can see in the night sky in the desert of the great southwest. "Mark up there, in the heavens sits a man with a beard. He's white, obviously, that's why were so privileged and why when we get addicted to drugs politicians decide it's a health issue and when black people get addicted they're fucking convicts. And so this big bearded white guy one day decided you know, fuck it, I wanna create little people that look just like me and can put on shows for me. But I'm not going to let them see me and to make sure they don't know what I look like or do, I'll make a bunch of other..."

"Aidan, shut the fuck up. I mean, what are we doing HERE, literally, this spot in this desert on this night," Maddow whispers, as angrily as one can whisper, to me as we crouched behind some brush & a cactus. Now that I realize he means *here* and not *HERE*, I sit back up and refocus my binoculars and refocus my mind my minds eye my third eye blind and I remember that I left the blinds open and my lights on and my pants off and I hope my neighbors enjoy the show.

Here, not *HERE*, but here there are things, things worth seeing. I hand over the pair of binoculars to Maddow & point in the direction he should look. He fucks that up, so I have to manually move his head into position.

"THAT, is why we're here Markus," I pause briefly to make sure he found the intended target that the binoc's should be targeting.

"Markus, do you know that I'm currently the 7th ranked pervert according to an April iWs poll?"

"Of course I knew that Aidan. I know lots of numbers. I talk to numbers all the time and I talk to lots of people about these numbers & they all tell me that your numbers are weak, they're sad, really they are. They've got low energy..."

'Yass... yass!" I exclaim to get him to stop. The extended reminder of my failures, that Mark felt so necessary to rub in my face, really stung with each word. He was right, of course, my poll numbers DO have low energy. They are weak, and it is sad. "That, Markus, is why we're here. I need to step my pervert game up. The Love Doctor and Mistress Pain have a huge lead, it's a tremendous lead, & I can't let that stand, oh no, I won't let that stand. Raven passed me in the last poll... hell, even James King is still out polling me and he hasn't been seen in months!"

"That's weak Aidan. I am a bit ashamed to admit I know you with low energy numbers like that..."

"Yah yah, whatever. Look around us Markus. And pollsters, you look around too. How many other iWs competitors do you see camped out here, in the bushes, tryin to snatch a peak of Mary Jane's bush? Huh? None, that's right, just ol' Aidan Cash, the Paragon Pervert, the Virtuoso Voyeur, the Omega Ogler, the Master... uhh, bater..." I quiet up real quick, real fuckin quick, when I hear Hacksaw Balakay Duggan let out a blood urdling "Hoooo!"

"Hey yo, I think it's time for us to go," Mark says and I assent & we pick up our things & begin our return to the dune buggy that's parked aboot a mile away.



***



"Has anyone heard from Johnny lately?" Paro shouted from the yurt he was still hangin out in.

"FUCK!" I exclaimed.

"You forgot about Johnny didn't you."

"Noo..."

"You didn't mention it to him that you were gonna sell all my stuff and move us 2000 miles away."

"Noo..."

"He's probably sittin in the gym right now, drunk as a skunk, yellin at some shadow or hallucination."

"Probably..."

"Where are you going with this?"

"No clue."



***



*This bar is cold and uninviting, but she's here so He's okay with it. I'm left alone at the bar, He doesn't want her to see me or know me. But don't you worry, I'll be good and drunk and ready to party when she leaves, and she always does leave. That's when we'll meet some fun girls. I check my watch, huh, why hasn't she left yet. Excuse me, barkeep, can you please pour me another and ignore me my brother?*



***



I'm in the ring with Blake and we're battling. I toss Blake to the outside. Rolling out of the ring I grab a chair and lay into him another time. I hand a Cash Crab sticker over to a little kid and the fans start to cheer. I hit the kid with the steel chair and steal the sticker back. The fans boo, and they boo quite lustily I might add. Carefully, I put the sticker on the chair and hit Blake with it a few more times. Legendary comes out and I turn into the hardcore Oprah: "You get a chair shot! And you get a chair shot! And you get a chair shot! And you get a sticker! And you get to fuck me later!" I say to Josie, Shane, Blake, Kandi Apple, and a real sexy blonde honey sittin ringside. She slaps me and I smile. I hand her a Cash Crab sticker with my number on the back right before I get blitzed from behind by Blake. Decimated destroyed and damn near dead, I'm lifted into the casket and then everything goes black...



***



I awake, startled, excited. I glance down and see that sexy blonde honey from my dream and she's going to town on lil Aidan.[/font]